In nearly every story ever told, there is a protagonist and an antagonist. A hero and a villain. A winner and a loser. The storyline plays out as expected. The initial attempt to pacify or extend an olive branch. The escalation full of villainous behavior. An epic battle. And good overcoming evil. Oftentimes, in these new chapters of our lives with our blended families, we may feel like we are in a perpetual battle, constantly defending ourselves and protecting those we love. We aim to deal with the villainous behavior. However, the role we play largely depends on which side of the coin we are on.
Are we the hero or the antihero?
For new stepparents, we often feel like the protagonist in a constant battle against the birth parent, striving to love and care for the innocent. And for the birth parent, they often feel like the protagonist defending their place in the children’s lives against the intruder.
How often do we allow ourselves to slip into the role of the antagonist, overlooking our faults and losing sight of the goals and objectives?
Slipping to the Dark Side
How many times have we been angry and upset with someone else, and blamed them wholly? We immediately wonder how to deal with villainous behavior.
I’m usually a pretty laid-back person – quiet, calm, able to keep my composure, and bite my tongue. But once in a blue moon, someone will really irk me, and my blood pressure will rise. I may still bite my tongue and keep my composure, but I’ve lost the ability to control my emotions.
When this happens, it’s human nature for us to feel like we are being attacked, to portray the other person as the villain of the story. We run to our partners, our parents, our friends, complaining and griping about just how terrible the other person is being. And maybe they really are being pretty terrible.
But how often do we sit back and really try to view the issue from their point of view and give them the benefit of the doubt?
Walking in Their Shoes
What’s going on in their life that could cause them to speak and react in such a way? Is there something I could have said better or clarified? Did I spur on any angry comments? Is there really a villain in the situation?
In another post about maintaining your integrity as a new step mom, I mentioned that there are often a few possible reasons for the birth parents’ anger that may not even have anything to do with any action on our part. Sometimes, the anger is just because we exist, borne and justified by the fear they feel because someone new is in their children’s lives.
Maybe the “bad guy” in the story has just gone through a rough breakup. Or they made a terrible mistake and are living with consequences. Perhaps they’re in financial trouble and looking for any way to make ends meet, even if the method they choose isn’t a good one. They could be missing their kids or their parents and are processing the loss negatively. Maybe they really do want to do what they believe is “right”, even though we believe it’s “wrong”.
We throw ourselves into these battles defending ourselves and our partners from the attacks, believing that there was no provocation. We allow ourselves to be so consumed protecting ourselves that we don’t stop to ask “why are they attacking?”
Win the Battle
How much ground can be won by just being a bit more compassionate, understanding, and patient in our battles?
And in those battles, can we still protect ourselves and others with each inch we gain?
This is not to say that we should fold our hands and allow whatever the other side wants to happen, nor does it mean that we shouldn’t protect ourselves, our children, our time, or our assets. But perhaps, with just a little understanding into why the opposition is bound and determined to win at any cost, then we’ll understand how to help end the battle with as few casualties as possible.
Sure, there will always be moments where lying, cheating, stealing, and being cruel and demeaning are obvious issues that shouldn’t be happening, but maybe they simply don’t know another way and could learn to improve if we are willing to not react with negativity or with the same treatments.
Can the “bad guy” adopt good traits and qualities from their “enemy”? Can the “enemy” learn to show their good qualities and good intentions in a way that won’t further harm the villain, pushing them deeper into their despair and poor behavior?
Is it possible, as an adult, to be rewired to behave well with positive reinforcement and example? Truly reformed?
Can the “good guy” pause long enough to look deep at their own behavior and find flaws, equally poor behavior, or negativity?
Maybe… just maybe… the villain in our lives isn’t such a bad guy after all.
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